After all these years ... still I am a beginner

Do you like reading? Have you ever experienced the "Killing me softly with his words" moment while reading? I have. After reading the first few chapters of the book, I couldn't tahan and I closed the book in anguish.


I attempted to read St John of the Cross' 'The Dark Night of the Soul' almost 2 years ago. As much as I remember, I was in a "really good" spiritual condition. At least, I thought I was, till I read the book.


Before discussing the two (dark) nights that are commonly experienced by the spiritual masters and mystics' soul, St John spent some chapters to describe those whom he considered as beginners in their spiritual life. After reading the first few paragraphs of chapter two, I dropped my lower jaw in disbelief. Every single sentence describes ME and my spiritual life ... my sins. Every single sentence stabbed and cut my heart. After all these years ... I am just a beginner?


I was in tears while reading his description of my spiritual life exposing my weaknesses that I was not even aware that time. And after chapter 7, I wet my book and decided to stop reading that. Inside my heart I said goodbye to my dream of becoming a saint. I put that book inside my bookshelf and never opened that again ... until a few days ago.


I started reading it again from chapter one instead of continuing from where I put my bookmark on, chapter 8. After first few paragraphs of chapter two ... i said to myself ... After these 2 years ... still you are a beginner. Huehehehe.


Nothing changes? I realize, there is a BIG change. I am no longer frustrated in confronting my weaknesses. I am already aware of at least half of those. I am in fact consciously dealing with these thorns which the Lord has not decided to take from my flesh yet. Yeah, still many of those are like a fresh revelation of my weaknesses which are not novel at all. Now I see them as opportunities for growth. Those are cracks in my life where the Lord can enter anytime to reveal his power and love. But still, I am "happily but not so proudly" aware that ... I am just a beginner.


I truly enjoy reading these first few chapters that describe my spiritual life. I smiled each time I encountered any line that struck me, especially the ones that I felt like I've never read before (which are many). There is a desire of wanting to be better, wanting to be drawn more and more towards God, wanting to praise Him for his great love for me, a slow learned disciple of His. If God can be patient with me, certainly I need to be patient with myself. He has all my life time to work with me and it seems that he is not in a hurry ... yet.


So, where I am in my reading of the book now? Sorry to disappoint you (if you even care), but I decided to stop reading after chapter 7, huehehehe. BUT ... I did not say goodbye to my dream of becoming a saint. Yet a sinner, a truly imperfect and a weak person, I feel that I am a saint in the making.



like a burning fire, be my one desire ... I want to be holy just like You!
- Matt Maher