My life is like a music

Few weeks ago, my flatmate received a surprise gift from her friends who live in Auckland. The gift is a prayer book called Aotearoa Psalms by Joy Cowley. She was so happy receiving the book. The book consists of short simple prayers and reflections. They are so simple that I feel they directly touch hearts.


Ever since she received the book, she has shared with me a few prayers taken from the book and I luv luv luv all of them. In particular, this one describes my life really well.


Music


This day of mine has been a very small tune, Lord.
enjoyable and sincere, but not well played.
The timing was wrong, I missed a few notes,
sorry about that, but never mind,
it was good to make music, your music, Lord,
and to listen to your songs through other people.

In this one small tune of a day,
there was a variety of moods:
slow rhythms for sadness or dreaming,
a lively bit of dancing here and there.
One time, some of the players came together
like an orchestra, with such a full sound
that we forgot we'd ever played
in solo performance.
These are moments worth waiting for.

So I praise you, my wonderful composer God,
for the music of this one small day.
And I thank you for the way you've loved
harmony back into my mistakes,
even the big ones,
giving me the confidence to want to play
again tomorrow.

It's freedom to know that in your love,
the sweetest sounds are produced
by broken reeds.


True enough, my life is like a music composed by God. Generally, my life is not a sophisticated music, just a simple tune. Once in a while I attempted to produce grand music by my own efforts. It became ... unnecessarily complicated. It didn't work. I was simply designed for a simple tune and it is truly delightful to The Composer's ears. It is simple, but he does not mind to listen to it again and again and amazingly never feel bored of it.


Though it is simple, it is not without any dynamic. He composed my life with lots of emotions, he put crescendo and decrescendo to it. It contains different moods, sadness and joy, vigor and calmness. It thrills and up tempo but sometimes monotonous and really slow.


The Composer composes my life in context of his Grandeur and Majestic masterpiece, the creation, the redemption and the sanctification. I am not a dead music, I am a living music that can interact with others. I am not created only for his delight, but also for others'. The same way, I can enjoy others' music. The composer makes me in harmony with them. My life plays a small contribution but not insignificant, my notes are necessary. I am aware that he deliberately makes some part of my life to contain blank notes for others to fill. I and them can make a really good and beautiful music together, and this is again composed by The Composer.


I also realize that in my life, there are lots of broken notes. Some of them are quite major. To my surprise, these broken notes are somehow made in harmony to the rest of the music my life produces. What an intelligent composer God is.


I'll continue making music from my life, so long as my composer wish to produce music out of my life. Yeah, my life is a beautiful undone piece of music, part of The Composer's great masterpiece, it is still ongoing ... and hopefully ... never ends.

After all these years ... still I am a beginner

Do you like reading? Have you ever experienced the "Killing me softly with his words" moment while reading? I have. After reading the first few chapters of the book, I couldn't tahan and I closed the book in anguish.


I attempted to read St John of the Cross' 'The Dark Night of the Soul' almost 2 years ago. As much as I remember, I was in a "really good" spiritual condition. At least, I thought I was, till I read the book.


Before discussing the two (dark) nights that are commonly experienced by the spiritual masters and mystics' soul, St John spent some chapters to describe those whom he considered as beginners in their spiritual life. After reading the first few paragraphs of chapter two, I dropped my lower jaw in disbelief. Every single sentence describes ME and my spiritual life ... my sins. Every single sentence stabbed and cut my heart. After all these years ... I am just a beginner?


I was in tears while reading his description of my spiritual life exposing my weaknesses that I was not even aware that time. And after chapter 7, I wet my book and decided to stop reading that. Inside my heart I said goodbye to my dream of becoming a saint. I put that book inside my bookshelf and never opened that again ... until a few days ago.


I started reading it again from chapter one instead of continuing from where I put my bookmark on, chapter 8. After first few paragraphs of chapter two ... i said to myself ... After these 2 years ... still you are a beginner. Huehehehe.


Nothing changes? I realize, there is a BIG change. I am no longer frustrated in confronting my weaknesses. I am already aware of at least half of those. I am in fact consciously dealing with these thorns which the Lord has not decided to take from my flesh yet. Yeah, still many of those are like a fresh revelation of my weaknesses which are not novel at all. Now I see them as opportunities for growth. Those are cracks in my life where the Lord can enter anytime to reveal his power and love. But still, I am "happily but not so proudly" aware that ... I am just a beginner.


I truly enjoy reading these first few chapters that describe my spiritual life. I smiled each time I encountered any line that struck me, especially the ones that I felt like I've never read before (which are many). There is a desire of wanting to be better, wanting to be drawn more and more towards God, wanting to praise Him for his great love for me, a slow learned disciple of His. If God can be patient with me, certainly I need to be patient with myself. He has all my life time to work with me and it seems that he is not in a hurry ... yet.


So, where I am in my reading of the book now? Sorry to disappoint you (if you even care), but I decided to stop reading after chapter 7, huehehehe. BUT ... I did not say goodbye to my dream of becoming a saint. Yet a sinner, a truly imperfect and a weak person, I feel that I am a saint in the making.



like a burning fire, be my one desire ... I want to be holy just like You!
- Matt Maher

the Merciful Father

I was recently touched by a paragraph from Catechism of the Catholic Church on Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Parable of the Prodigal Son

The process of conversion and repentance was described by Jesus in the parable of the prodigal son, the center of which is the merciful father: the fascination of illusory freedom, the abandonment of the father's house; the extreme misery in which the son finds himself after squandering his fortune; his deep humiliation at finding himself obliged to feed swine, and still worse, at wanting to feed on the husks the pigs ate; his reflection on all he has lost; his repentance and decision to declare himself guilty before his father; the journey back; the father's generous welcome; the father's joy - all these are characteristic of the process of conversion. The beautiful robe, the ring, and the festive banquet are symbols of that new life - pure worthy, and joyful - of anyone who returns to God and to the bosom of his family, which is the Church. Only the heart Of Christ Who knows the depths of his Father's love could reveal to us the abyss of his mercy in so simple and beautiful a way.



Catechism of the Catholic Church 1439

From Singapore to Fatima

Today, while browsing my hard disk, I found my old writings that help me to go back to some of my nostalgic moments. Here is one of them.

My pilgrimage to Fatima (Nov 3 - Nov 5, 2007)

Maggy Wrote:

Singapore, Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Fatima, a lovely place. Some people said that this is too small a city; ones can hardly find interesting things there. The only notable thing from Fatima is the Apparition of Mary to the 3 little children.

Well, may be that’s indeed the case. However for me, it was more than just extraordinary!!

How to start writing on the whole thing? It is hard for me to draw a line on when it all started. It was definitely not started on Nov 3, of course.

It was really like a drama, well, at least for me.

I was a rebellious kid toward my heavenly Mother. Not so much on my actions, but in my heart. I refused to love and to honor her. She was waiting for me though and I believe Jesus was not happy as well with the wall I built between me and her.

One day, almost 2 years ago, in front of the statue of Lady of Fatima outside SFA church, I made this honest prayer,

“Mother, I don’t love you and I don’t think I know you that much. But Jesus asked me to do so, and I know that I need you. So, please help me to love you and to know you. And I want to, one day, be able to honestly say to you that I love you, from my heart.”

Now I know that one can never be fully in love with Jesus if he or she is not fully in love with His mother. And my honest prayer was answered, in a greater way that I’ve never imagined before.

I even cannot mention any particular happenings that made me love her. I just… love her, like that. Last year, in the Church of Lady of Lourdes, before the statue of Lady or Lourdes (hope it’s a similar pattern, hope this means something, hehehe, like me going to Lourdes sometime), I felt that love towards her, and I really want to submit myself under her protection and intercession. I want to open myself for her love towards me.

Ever since, I felt like she taught me to pray the Hail Mary (I mean really praying it, not just merely saying it), the Rosary. She drew me to Jesus, to the Blessed Sacrament and Eucharist. My longing and appreciation for the Eucharist was added more and more and I believe that’s because of her intervention in my life.

She was the greatest comfort I have during my life as Ph.D student. Ok, now I don’t think this Ph.D life is that bad, but once I thought that it was a total mistake for me to take this decision.

And everytime I felt so down, I remembered that during my Ph.D time, I was drawn to love Mother… and that really really comforts me, and made me think it was not so bad (and indeed it is not so bad), Jesus gave me abounding Grace, more than sufficient for me, especially by letting me fall in love with Mary and open myself to her love and protection.